


Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

by somniumfelix



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A lot of Hurt, Angst, Anxiety, Canon Compliant, Character Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Heartbreak, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Lie Low At Lupin's (Harry Potter), M/M, Mutual Pining, Order of the Phoenix (Harry Potter), Platonic Affection, Platonic Cuddling, Reunions, Sad Ending, Sharing a Bed, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2020-07-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:13:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25165222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somniumfelix/pseuds/somniumfelix
Summary: "I love you. That's okay, right? I can say that to you again?" Sirius asked in foolhardiness.Remus slackened a little and settled back into Sirius's arms, blinking back tears that threatened to spill and hoping his voice wouldn't crack in shame and upset."Of course you can, Padfoot. I love you too. You're my best friend..."They found out the hard way that they couldn't pretend nothing had happened, and instead tried to learn that change happened for the better.
Relationships: Remus Lupin/Nymphadora Tonks, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 14
Kudos: 57





	Nothing Changes If Nothing Changes

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DovahTobi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DovahTobi/gifts).



> I owe this to so many people; the 64 (and counting!) members in the Shifting Lines Discord Server, who gave me more inspiration, positivity, and support of my writing than I had felt in a long time.  
> I would like to specifically call out Tobi, for being the reason I could speak to such amazing people, and helping me fall in love with reading and writing again. To Book, who I tortured thoroughly as I wrote this and kept going just for them, and Oli (who is the coolest), Elliot, Em, and Dragon for always reading the small snippets I posted!
> 
> In the words of HaikuBot:  
> I think knowing you  
> guys are around fills me with  
> determination!

_ 'I have accepted fear as part of life - specifically the fear of change... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in my heart that tells me: turn back.' _

"You aren't the same person."

Sirius didn't even look up from his plate (just cottage pie, but the best food he'd had in a long time) as he shrugged.

"Funny, that..." he mumbled, bemused and sarcastic. He wasn't entirely sure what Remus had expected; twelve years locked up, falsely accused of an unspeakable crime and then another year on the run, his godson being hunted down by You-Know-Who, and he's unable to do anything at all. Funny indeed.

"I know it's stupid to cling on to," Remus began, letting his fork drop to his plate and bringing his hands under his chin, "But part of me hoped we'd be exactly the same. As it was before... e-everything. You know, your stupid constantly flirting, and me just sick and fucking tired of you all the damn time."

A quiet snort. "You're still sick and fucking tired of me. Always was, always will be." He finally looked up, looking at his friend - were they, friends, after so long? He hoped they were - for the first time since he'd arrived at the little cottage in Yorkshire. Drawn in by amber eyes he had missed so dearly, he stared at the younger man. Remus stared back.

Moments passed until Remus gave a brief chuckle and shook his head half-heartedly, picking up his fork again and bringing his attention back to his food. He also hadn't eaten well, not since Hogwarts, and could drool at the sight of a hot, homemade meal. He could be conceited and exigent but thank fuck for Dumbledore and his money.

"Hm... maybe we haven't changed so much."

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

Cursing was something Sirius did a lot in his youth, that was no shock. To his mother, certainly. To Severus, after what he said to Lily. To himself after The Incident. To Regulus after- ...Well, Regulus was the last person Sirius needed to think of when he was already worked up.

Death and Dementors and Remus dulled his anger and irrationality over the years and he swore less and less.

Except for now.

Because fuck that absolute prick named Dumbledore. Fuck.  _ Lie low at Lupins?! _ What  _ shit _ advice was that?! The old man was going senile at last if he thought they could spend longer than a week without arguing like an old married couple!

_ I guess it isn't exactly an argument...  _ Remus didn't argue. He gave stern looks and harsh words and guilt trips.

"I don't need you, I was on my own for twelve years anyway so I'm used to it."

Remus's words felt like more than a knife in his heart. It felt like a knife, twisted and shaken and hacking within his soul. If only he would sound angry! Lash out, scream and shout at Sirius and cry out about how much he hates him and how much he wished he'd stayed in Azkaban. Instead, his words were calm, nonchalant as if they were the simplest words ever spoken.

"I'm just going to go back into the basement for the night. Don't want to wander into the village as... it."

Another knife.

Remus hadn't referred to the Wolf as 'it' since fifth year after the prank, and it took a long time for The Marauders (mainly Peter, surprisingly) to get him to break that habit.

Teeth baring, Sirius let out a low growl. "I am coming with you."

"Sirius. I am thirty-five years old and have been on my own for the last one-hundred and sixty-eight full moons, I can manage-."

"You kept count..?"

Sirius lent back against the small dining table, shaken, slightly surprised the rotting wood could hold his weight. Remus mirrored him, moving from his spot in the center of the open plan kitchen to stand next to Sirus, the space between them painfully far for two people who imagined spending their lives with one another. Before war and betrayal and abandonment.

"Not your fault, you know..." He muttered, keeping his gaze softly focused on the floor. 

"I should have fucking been there, Remus! I should have been there for you, and Lily and Harry and J-James!" He stammered in anger, voice cracking. "For you all..."

Spinning around clumsily, Remus grabbed Sirius by the shoulders and pulled him closer. "Look at me! Look at me, Sirius!" He did, after a moment, but his eyes were not the bright silver he was used to, just a dull, darkening grey. "You did what you thought was right, okay! We got screwed over! You are here now and that's what matters to me, Siri!"

"But you said-."

"I was being insensitive. I'm sorry, I just-." Remus gave a heavy sigh and dropped his head against Sirius's. Noses grazed against one another and, for the first time in a long time, Sirius felt safe. They hadn't touched each other in so long (They found that the Shrieking Shack didn't count; it was a moment of desperation and high energy and - with the look on Harry's face - potential death).

Lupin's eyes shimmered in the orange light, shining with tears and forgiveness as he gawked at Sirius. He took the moment to look at his face, closely. Even under the new frown lines and dark circles that really looked like bruises, Sirius still had the same face as before. Gorgeous, prominent cheekbones, pale skin, and small red-blushed nose. He still walked with the same slightly aristocratic air around him, a confident aura like he knew he was better than you - and he really was, just look at him - even if he was clouded with newfound anxieties and fears. 

If he was honest with himself, he hadn't really changed either. Sure, he had greying hair (a crime at thirty-five) and frown lines that matched his friends exceptionally well, but other than that... The same ailing pallid skin, sharp jawline, and dawn-tinted scar (somewhat more faded than twelve years prior) cutting right across his face.

For a split second, Remus could pretend they were best friends again, sneaking around, avoiding Mrs. Norris and Mr. Filch using The Map, giggling over a bottle of Firewhisky and planning stupid pranks. For a split second, they were fifteen and happy again.

Maybe, just maybe, they really hadn't changed at all?

Sirius moved first, slipping his calloused hand over Remus's soft wrist. 

"Come on, the sun is setting, we should get to the basement..." And Remus could tell there was no room for arguments this time.

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

That full moon went without a hitch; The Wolf was more than happy to have a good play with Padfoot for the first time in so long, and Remus escaped that Lunar Cycle with nothing more than a few torn muscles from the transformations. Fairly peaceful compared to the last few moons. Remus woke in his bed, rather than the cold stone floor of the basement like he had expected, with a hot cup of tea on the dresser next to him. He sat up, grabbed the mug, and took a sip. Three sugars, lots of milk. Just as he had it as a kid.

He took his time dragging himself out of bed, the sun pouring in through the thin curtains justified getting up; before looking for Sirius. Who he found, shockingly, outside, sat on the deck by the pond in the back garden. 

His legs were pulled up to his chest, chin resting on his knees as he gazed upon the water. It was an oddly familiar sight, the same position Sirius found himself in when they both sat by the Black Lake, studying for O.W.L.S, even down to the thick grey jumper surrounding his thin form.

"Stop stealing my clothes, Black," Remus said, walking towards the man by the water. Sirius gave no sign of hearing him or even acknowledging his existence until he sat down beside him.

"Okay, so the inside is a little run down, but this place is gorgeous! How did you afford it?"

Sirius was right, the place was stunning. They were only around twenty minutes from the village center, living in a beautiful white cottage covered in luscious green ivy and backdropped by thick woods. Even the pond, as still and overgrown as it was, was enchanting, drawing you into a picturesque world outside of your own. The inside  _ was _ run-down, with a well-worn couch and squeaking beds, but the tranquility of the Dales made it all worth it.

"As if I could afford this. Dumbledore's paying. At least until we can go to 12 Grimmauld Place permanently. But there are a few charms that need removing first that I'm sure Moody is already having a crack at. You're in no rush to go back, I'm sure?"

Sirius threw his head back in a single bark of laughter, before freezing once again. "God no." He deadpanned.

"Then we stay here. For as long as we can. Like that week in summer before sixth year, when the four of us stayed with my family. It'll be like that."

Sirius then rested his cheek on his knees, tilting his head to look at Remus with soft eyes. "We don't need to go on missions? I'm sure the Old Man wants us going out and-."

"Nope." Remus interrupted with a small, but genuine smile. "I told him we wouldn't, not for a while. We- you need rest, pull yourself back together. We can treat is as a few months holiday, if you will!"

Sirius seemed to feel a weight lifted from his shoulders.

So they eventually fell into a routine over the next few weeks. Remus was woken in the morning to a cup of tea on his bedside table and drank it in bed while he read his book. He got out of bed and found Sirius in the kitchen, over the stove (that took him was longer to learn that he was willing to admit) cooking breakfast. They ate and then set out for the tasks for the day. Sometimes shopping, which always ended with Sirius asking one hundred and one questions about various muggle items, and Remus grinning at his marvel. Other days, they spent their time by the pond, just watching the water. They tried talking - sometimes grave topics about the war they knew would inevitably occur, other times, replacing that table because  _ 'You set it alight, Sirius! It's Burnt! You were only making toast, and the Muggle way too!'  _ Sometimes the conversation would turn sour if Azkaban was discussed, or they reminisced over school days and Peter was mentioned. Words would fall quiet, but the air never turned cumbersome. Just... pensive.

They'd head back into the small cottage for dinner, cooked by Remus, and ate in a comfortable atmosphere, the only sounds being the cutlery scraping against the plates and the muggle music from the record player in the back (Sirius insisted on still playing vinyl, despite the far better ways to play music in the mid-90s). They seemed to live in a beautifully strange mix of Muggle and Magic - cooking with a gas hob and wooden spoons and cleaning up with the flick of a wand, shopping in the nearby muggle village, and then playing Exploding Snap while watching TV in the evening.

It was a peaceful routine, constant, and unbroken.

Well.

There were 'off' days for both of them, of course. Days when nightmares of cloak-shrouded creatures haunted Sirius a little more than normal and he needed time alone, or days when Remus still felt a little abandoned and found himself clinging to Sirius' company even more. But they passed, and by the next morning, the memories of the pain had faded a little more with cups of tea and breakfast after sunrise.

It felt like school again, Sirius pondered. The same thing every day, but it was bearable with the perfect company. 

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

Some things were never discussed between them. Like how Remus woke up to a cup of tea every morning (and how he didn't have the heart to tell Sirius he hadn't drunk it with sugar since he was 23), or how he always woke up in his bed after the full moon, despite being locked in the basement since sunset the night before. They never talked about how they only touched each other when Sirius rested his head on the shoulder of the brunette when he was more somber than usual, or how Sirius seemed to own more of Remus's jumpers than Remus himself, or how-

"Hey, Pads, I'm going to head into the village before the shops close at 9, I want to try and make that cheesecake recipe James' mum made us when we were kids! Oh also, Harry sent another letter but I'm out of ink, do you have any? If not, I'll try and find some at that little store at the end of the high street, because I really don't want to go to Diagon Alley unless it's super urgent, considering- Uh... Siri?" Remus stopped rambling as he realized Sirius was staring at him, sat still with an unreadable look on his face. With a shiver, Sirius snapped out of his strange trance.

"What did you say?"

"Uh.." Remus set the mug he was holding on the table (still scorched) and counted on his fingers, "Euphemia's cheesecake, gonna go shopping, Harry wrote to us... Uh, Ink? I'm sure I mentioned that? I wanted to avoid Diagon Alley and-"

"No no no, before all that." Sirius jumped up from the worn sofa and stood to face Remus in the doorway of the living room.

"I didn't-"

"You called me Pads."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Yes..." He drew out, "As always?"

"No, not as always, not since '81."

Had he really not called him Pads, not  _ once _ since they reunited? Not at all?

"I guess not. If you don't want me to say it then-"

"NO!" Remus twitched at the shout. "I-I mean, you can call me that... Pads, I mean. Padfoot."

"Padfoot."

It had been thirteen years since Remus said that name.  _ Thirteen years.  _ "Padfoot," Remus echoed, as though he was getting used to the taste of the familiar word on his tongue. Tears stung in his eyes as he realized how much he'd missed saying that name. How much he'd missed Sirius. He couldn't pinpoint the time when Sirius had moved from the section of his heart labeled 'Marauders' and nested himself in his own Padfoot shaped segment, somehow bigger than his love for chocolate and overly milky tea and opening up a brand new book, but oh how grateful Remus was that he had. Sirius and James may have been brothers, but he and Sirius had something more; something he could never identify but he'd craved so much over the last decade and a half.

Sirius stepped closer and closer until he was barely a step away from Remus. "I've missed you, Moony."

The air in the room seemed to clear all of a sudden; freed of a tension neither of them realized was even there. As though they were the unsaid words that had been prompting all their issues since the day Sirius came back. If Lily were there, Remus thought, she'd wack them both around the back of the heads and tell them how stupid they had been the last year and three months.

Then again, If Lily were there, she'd have sat them down and shouted at them to sort their shit out a year and three months ago.

"I've missed you too, Padfoot."

Sirius found himself stumbling forwards, his head nestling in the crook of Remus's neck, chest to chest, and arms wrapped around his back. Lupin leaned forward into the hug, arms coming up to hold Sirius' waist, tangled in a long-overdue embrace. Remus found his scarred cheek resting on the top of Sirius' head, taking in the scent he'd almost forgotten - Winfield Cigarettes, leather jackets, paint, and coffee. Home was no longer a small village in Wales, or Hogwarts, or the houses he moved around in before he taught, or even this beautiful cottage in the Yorkshire Dales. Home was wherever the fragrance of nicotine and caffeine and acrylic was, and in that moment, Remus decided to follow the smell of home wherever it went, to the shrieking shack, back to Azkaban, through the veil and beyond.

They stayed in a tight embrace for longer than either of them could pinpoint, but the closeness and warmth made it okay. Only when the sound of 'God Save The Queen' echoed around the living room did Sirius laugh against Remus' neck and spoke.

"...I think the shops might be closed now, Moons."

"Maybe so," He smiled.

Remus decided that didn't matter right at the moment; if making up for lost time with Sirius, keeping him close under the dulling candlelight of the living room meant postponing every plan he ever had, he'd give up everything in a heartbeat.

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

Life continued as normal, if not better, afterwards. Sitting awkwardly on opposite sides of the sofa became cuddles in the evenings, a bundle of arms and legs and heads on chests and fingers slipping through hair. Breakfast and dinner became lively, filled with laughter and grins, and sitting by the pond turned into laying under the sky, cloud gazing. Remus convinced Sirius to buy a CD player and they did a joint baking project once a week.  _ Nothing had changed, _ Sirius thought _ , nothing at all. If you asked me 20 years ago where I wanted to be, living with Moony, 35 acting like 15, is exactly what I'd say... _

"Harry wrote again, Pads. More nightmares..." Remus spoke, walking over to Sirius on the sofa, handing him the sheet of parchment before lightly running his fingers through Siri's tousled hair, before walking to the side cabinet. Sirius began to read through the letter - Harry was having even more nightmares than normal, and not prophetic this time. It seemed like he just kept replaying that boy's (Diggory, was it?) death over and over again in his head. He knew what that was like...

Only when he saw Remus fiddling with the new CD player did he find himself drawn away from dark thoughts.

"What'cha doing?"

"She made this, you know!" Remus beamed, holding a shining disk between his thumb and forefinger, placing it into the now open disk slot, "I told Hermione we got one of these and she made this! Amazing! Apparently, she did some research and found some songs from when we were younger. Her parents told her about some of the records they listened to and she knew you had Muggle vinyl records at school."

He closed the top of the player and pressed a few (wrong) buttons before the music eventually started as he sat next to Sirius.

_ 'See the curtains hangin' in the window, in the evenin' on a Friday night _

_ A little light a-shinin' through the window, lets me know everything is alright' _

_ " _ Seals and Crofts?" Sirius asked as he snuggled into Remus, hand splayed across his chest and head on his shoulder.

"Mhm... 1972. Came out the day before second year. I remember hearing it when mum dropped me off at the station and I hummed the tune all the way to Hogwarts."

"Moony," Sirius sounded amused, "You hummed it for like three months until James bought the record and you could finally sing along to it! Don't you dare try and say you only hummed it on the train!"

Both fell into fits of laughter as they listened to the rest of the song.

"Firewhiskey!" Sirius declared with a jump, heading out of the living room door and re-entering with two glasses and a bottle. As the next song started, he opened the bottle, poured out the drink into the glasses, and passed one to Remus, still sat on the couch.

Remus couldn't help staring at Sirius; light skin and dark hair illuminated by the setting sun beaming through the window behind him.

' _ You spurn my natural emotions _

_ You make me feel I'm dirt and I'm hurt _

_ And if I start a commotion _

_ I run the risk of losing you and that's worse' _

Sirius downed his drink far faster then he should have done, set his glass on the side cabinet by the player, and grabbed Remus' hand.

"Dance with me Moony. Dance with me like we're back in the dorms and nothing ever changed!"

Remus tipped back his glass and hurridly swallowed his drink, before reluctantly (or not so, he really did want to dance and pretend everything was normal again) standing up, dragged by Sirius pulling him into the center of the room.

"Everything's changed, Padfoot."

Lips ghosting against Remus' ear, Sirius whispered, "Then make me forget that it has..."

Sirius bought his hands around the back of his friend's neck and pulled him closer; neither caring that they were dancing far to slow and intimate for the rock song. 

"I remember when this came out, too. Summer of 78, when we bought that flat and James and Lily moved in together..." 

Remus gave a low laugh against Sirius' neck, "We danced like this at their housewarming party, didn't we? A lot more drunk though." In reality, Remus could already feel the Firewhiskey going to his head.  _ I guess that's what happens when you're a lightweight who hasn't drunk in 10 years... _

"Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn't have fallen in love with?" Sirius sang into Remus's ear, slightly off-key and low, and Lupin wanted nothing more than to record the wonderful sound and play it on loop whenever he felt dispirited. The song came to a close but Sirius stayed latched onto Remus, cheek to cheek and chest to chest, and Remus made no effort to get him to move, and instead pulled him even closer, if possible, by tightening his grip on his small waist.

The song changed again; no longer rock, but soft and slow.

"Put your head on my shoulder. Hold me in your arms, baby..." Sirius sang again, doing as the song said and resting his cheek on Remus's shoulder, his lips unbearably close to his neck. They were dancing the same as all those years ago, and Remus was overjoyed, even if his heart was racing and he found his hands slipping lower, clutching Sirius's hips steady. They swayed slightly in time to the music, with Sirius uttering the lyrics quietly, his breath titillating Remus, who had closed his eyes and tilted his head back. 

The song drew to an end, as all the others did, and Remus couldn't help but feel relieved. Even as the next song began (back to rock or punk or whatever, Remus couldn't care less at this point) the moment wasn't broken. Sirius lifted his head and stared at Moony as their noses grazed against one another. 

He looked perfect. Of course he looked perfect. He looked the same as 13 years ago when they danced in the Potter's new house and Remus found it unbearably difficult to not close the small gap between them. He leaned ever so slightly forward, noses bumping.

"That Firewhiskey went right to my head," Sirius whispered, laughing, breath tickling Remus's own lips. Lupin gave nothing but a weak hum in agreement, not trusting himself to open his mouth. "I'm gonna head to bed..." He lowered his arms from over Remus's shoulders and the grip on his hips loosened. He didn't step back immediately, rather tilted his head and placing his lips lightly against Remus's jaw, lingering a moment longer than needed, before grinning.

He said nothing as he grabbed the two glasses from the side, and the open bottle of Firewhiskey, and walked out of the door.

Remus stood still, watching Sirius leave, listening to the sound of the glasses being set on the counter, bottle going back into the cupboard, and heavy steps on the stairs, before finally the sound of a bedroom door closing. 

_ What the fuck. _

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

_ Great _ , Remus thought, staring at the ceiling in his bedroom. Beautiful golden light had been pouring into his room since Sunrise, but he couldn't bring himself to get out of bed, not with his mind whirling, crowded with thoughts.

So, he'd fallen in love with his best friend. He resolved back to the night before, the feeling of Sirius's lips on his jaw, arms around his neck, and smile that made Remus's stomach do somersaults.

It wasn't entirely a shock if he was straight with himself. He felt the same when they danced in the dorms at 15, and their own flat at 20. Deep down, he knew his feelings for Sirius we're far beyond platonic if the blush on his neck and tremor in his hand when they were close was anything to go by.

A quiet rasp on the bedroom door drew him from his thoughts and he shuffled upright just as Sirius walked through the doorway, in nothing but Muggle Jeans.

"Oh! You're up!" He chirped, walking over to the younger with a mug in his hand. He placed it on the side table and glid his fingers through Remus' hair. "Sorry if I woke you..."

"No no," He slurred, "I was already up."

"Oh okay then. I'm going to head into the village today, no particular reason, just to get out. Fancy coming along?"

The last thing Remus wanted was to spend a day with Sirius, pretending as if nothing had happened and he wasn't still thoroughly flustered over it all but found himself answering before he could think.

"Yeah, that'd be cool. We'll get food in the village so you don't need to cook breakfast. Give me ten minutes to get up and ready though." He might need longer than that, already feeling himself sliding back to sleep with Sirius's fingers running through his hair and tarrying over his scalp. 

Sirius just gave a low hum, gazing at Moony before drawing his hand to his jaw, stroking his cheek with his thumb, and then turned to leave.  _ What had he signed himself up for? _

The walk into the village was normal, just a fifteen-minute stroll before the first shop, a rickety old greengrocer that looked only one gust of wind away from collapsing. The streets were rather empty, and they remained in a (mostly) comfortable silence, other than when a few shopkeepers gave a polite greeting to the pair as they walked past. 

Remus did his best not to flinch every time their arms would brush ever so slightly or Sirius would turn and give a gentle grin his way.  _ Get a grip, _ he told himself _ , you're in your thirties, this isn't some stupid schoolboy crush. _

He wondered if his mind was making him suffer for all those years of oblivious pining and more years of pretending he didn't exist. 

Eventually, they found themselves in front of a quaint little cafe, named 'The Steam Room' in the center of the village, and opened the door. A tiny bell chimed above their heads, and they were overwhelmed with the beautiful smell of coffee and cakes. 

"I'll go and order, then. Fry-up?" Sirius turned to Remus, who gave a noncommittal hum in reply and shuffled off to find a table.

"Any reason you wanted to come out so early..?" Remus asked when they were both sat down with tea, waiting for their food orders to be bought to the table. Only one or two other people were in the cafe at the time, reading Muggle newspapers or nursing hot cups of coffee to keep them awake. Sirius sat opposite him, both tucked into a secluded corner next to the front window that Padfoot kept staring out of, watching nothing in particular (not that there was anything to watch, the street was as empty as it was when they walked down it ten minutes ago.)

Sirius kept a solemn look on his face, lips turned downwards, as the server came and bought their food and set it down before them. Remus thanked her and watched as is friend picked up his cutlery and began to eat, seemingly ignoring Remus's question entirely. Tense air hung around them for a moment as they ate, until Sirius finally spoke.

"The rest of the Order have started clearing some stuff from the old house. Moody sent me a load of things I left."

"Things you didn't take when you went to James'?"

"Yeah, I don't know what there is though. I-uh... I haven't opened the box."

Remus felt his chest clench; he knew exactly why. Sirus had to leave 12 Grimmauld Place as fast as possible, and whatever was in that box was either things he desperately wanted to take with him at the time or things he never wanted to lay eyes on again.

"I'll go through it with you, if you'd like? We can head back, open up that bottle of Firewhiskey again, and do it together?"

Sirius's eyes brightened slightly, pink lips growing into a heartfelt smile as he chuckled. "Moonshine, It's 11am, you're not a day drinker now, are you?"

"No," He blushed, "But I think... This requires alcohol. If you want me to go through it with you, that is..?"

"Remus, I can't think of anyone better than you."

They sat in front of the box, crossed-legged on the plush carpet in the living room. Sirius's long, pale fingers ghosted over the top, trailing along the edges and down the center of the opening. His hand shook and his eyes stung with tears as he looked up to Remus, sat on the opposite side, hands firmly in his lap.

"I'm here, Sirius. I always will be. You'll be okay."

For a moment, his hand stilled, before pulling the flaps of the box up and open. He bought his hand to shield his mouth and let out a choked sob when he saw what was on the top of the box.

Two photographs.

The first was of the Marauders. Remus was on Sirius's back, and James and Peter wrestling behind them by the Black Lake. Their faces were young, innocent, happy. Looking at it now, Remus could see the blush on his face and bright, adoring eyes and he looked down at Sirius.

He could see something shining around his neck, a thin chain with a small pendant of a dog by the moon that Sirius had gotten Remus the day they figured out he was a Werewolf. The dog had been an accident at the time but seemed far more like fate after the first full moon with his friends in Fifth year.

"Do you still have that necklace?"

"Uh... No. Sorry... After y- well, it all, I threw it out. Into a river, to be exact, just before that first full moon on November 11th..."

Padfoot took the image and held it at his eye level, and Remus could see the back. They was smudged writing,  _ 8th September '73, off to Hogsmead!  _ and Remus could remember that day so clearly. It took him physically dragged Sirius out of Honeydukes so he wouldn't spend all his money, and James had bought so much Butterbeer it was a miracle they got it all back to the castle!

He set down the first picture next to him with a sad smile, and Sirius picked up the second. Remus had seen it in the box. 

Sirius and Regulus.

It was crumpled and faded, but still showed the young boys, not older than 5 and 6, arms thrown around each other with huge smiles on their faces. 

"Father took this picture. Mother screamed and cursed at us for smiling and threw it away as soon as it was developed. But I had Kreacher sneak it from the table before she could burn it or whatever. It's the only time we ever tried to smile for a picture. Regretted it straight after, of course." He snorted halfheartedly. "Still have the scar..."

Shaking once again, he set the picture down on top of the first and looked back into the box. There was nothing much of importance: a couple of Muggle Band shirts, some more pictures of the Marauders, and his old sketchbook.

As Sirius flipped through the sketchbook (Remus could remember some of the old art in it, and was still impressed at the talent) he delved into the box to look for other interesting items - and remove anything that might upset Sirius for the time being. He reached the bottom of the box and saw green wool, pulling it out into the open. 

He instantly recognized it as the Slytherin scarf Sirus's mother had packed in his case before his first day at Hogwarts. It was in near-perfect condition, never worn (only removed from his trunk once, if Remus remembered correctly.)

"Look, Pads!" He smiled, "Remember this?"

Sirius's face lit up at the sight, looking like a happy child. "Oh god! Remember when I asked-."

"-Shouted at a terrified little me to change it to red? Yes, I do Pads!" He laughed, seeing Sirius cringe slightly at the memory. Opening his suitcase after getting to the dorms for the first time, his heart sunk when he'd seen the green scarf. Peter and James had been unable to change it, so Sirius turned to the small, shaking, scarred boy on the bed next to his as a last resort. He hadn't been able to change it but knew that the moment of desperation had sparked what they both hoped was a life long friendship. 

"Well, I tried to say hey to you at the table, but you looked like you were going to burst into tears!" Sirius cackled, his tears of anxiety and sadness replaced with ones of laughter and nostalgia as the pair leaned on each other, wheezing.

As Sirius recovered from his fit of (drunken) laugher, Remus took his wand out and tapped the scarf twice with the end of it, and the scarf instantly turned into a deep red color, golden threads laced throughout. Sirius calmed, looking at the scarf with pride and satisfaction.

Picking it up, Remus shuffled ungracefully across the floor, pushing the box to the side and sat across from Sirius. Steadily, he bought the scarf up and began wrapping it around his friend's neck, letting the backs of his hands and tips of his fingers graze along Sirius's skin, savoring the older man's small shivers and drinking up the blush that spread up his neck and across his pale cheeks. 

Once the scarf was wrapped around 2 or so times, Remus bought his hand to Sirius's cheek, mimicking the morning's interaction. He swiped his thumb across a tearstain in his skin, before ducking his head and planting a kiss on a small part of his exposed jaw. He kept his hand in place as he whispered, "Only twenty-four years late..."

Sirius shivered slightly and leaned forwards, tongue darting out slightly to dampen his lips. His head continued forwards until Remus could feel hot breath on his lips and found it hard to look away from his friend. Remus turned his head and pulled Sirius into a tight hug, resting his chin on his shoulder.

Who was he kidding? Remus had been in love with Sirius the second he shouted at him in the Gryffindor dorms on his first day at Hogwarts.

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

"Will you be alright?"

Sirius knew better than to lie to Remus, after two and a half decades of friendship, he could see a lie better then the Wolf smelt a human. 

"Honestly? No..."

He was still unsure why he offered the old house to the Order; surely there were thousands of places they could use as headquarters. Sirius just had to go and suggest the house where he had suffered years of abuse. The thought made him sick to his stomach and put him off of his food (Lasagne, very tasty, as all Remus's cooking was, but nauseating at that time.)

The Weasley's, Moody, and the others had already cleaned up and settled into 12 Grimmauld Place, and with the last of the bad charms gone, he knew Harry would be there in a few days before heading to Hogwarts in a week.

"It'll be okay. We can head in the morning rather than tonight if that's better? Moody will understand." Remus smiled at Sirius comfortingly.

"No no, Harry will be there any day soon and I need to see him. He needs to know about-."

"Molly won't want him to-"

"I don't give a damn what Molly wants!" Sirius bellowed, slamming his fist on the table, listening to the shake of the crockery. Seeing the look of fear and sadness of Remus's face, he cringed. "Sorry, I just..." He sighed in frustration. "He needs to know, Moony..."

"I agree, Pads..." Remus hummed, "But Molly has been like a mother to him the last four years. I know it's hard, but we've only known him for a year.

Sirius's eyes stayed downcast, guilt swallowing him up. Harry needed support now more than ever and Sirius wouldn't be the reason there were issues within the Order. 

"Sorry, Rem, you're right..."

"Don't apologize, Padfoot. I understand. Go grab our stuff and we can get going. Floo?"

That was how Sirius found himself stood in the fireplace of his childhood home, covered in soot and ash, with his hand tightly squeezing onto Remus.

"Lupin! Black! 'Ello darlings!" Molly, frizzy ginger hair flailing around, grabbed them by the shoulders and pulled them into the center room, before taking their bags. "Plans have changed, boys!" She spoke as though they were her sons' age, protective and motherly, "They've gone and got Harry tonight, they'll be back soon! Go on, go in the kitchen, grab a cuppa and they'll be here any second now, right as rain!"

They headed to the kitchen, greeted by a sea of ginger hair (and Hermione, sat at the end of the table arguing with Ron about something or other.) They gave polite greetings to the older pair before Remus thanked Hermione for the lovely gift of the CD.

"It was no worries, Professor! I thought it would be nice for the two of you while you spent the last of those 9 weeks away!"

"It was, thank you, Hermione." He gave a soft smile to the girl, who he saw had glanced down to Remus's and Sirius's still interlocked hands, and gave a fast grin.

Molly stumbled into the kitchen in a hurry, followed by Arthur Weasley (who gave them both a hearty handshake and smile) and began to usher the kids out.

"Go on, to your rooms! Go, go on! Important adult talk now, kids! Mhm, head up!"

The kitchen seemed eerily quiet now, similar to how it felt when Sirius was a child, and he took the moment to look around as he sat down, Remus taking the chair next to him and pulling it close. 

It was as dark and dim as it had been when he left, still decorated with marks of the Black family and Salazar Slytherin (Sirius couldn't help feel a spike of hatred to the other Order members for not removing them, before calming down. It was  _ his _ house now, and he could remove and destroy what he liked, in due time.) Even the shrieking from the portrait of his Mother in the entranceway could still be heard in the distance, screaming about blood traitors - likely talking about the Weasley kids who were running past to head up the stairs.

Any conversation that began ended in shouting, and Remus telling Sirius to calm down. They talked and talked, about The Order, about new members, about the prophecy, but Sirius found himself constantly distracted, with a mix of anger and anxiety from the house, feeling agitated from Remus being sat so closely or unnerve about seeing harry for the first time in two and a half months. 

As soon as he heard the front door open and saw the smallest glimpse of disordered black hair and round-rimmed glasses, all the tension seemed to wash away in a second.

"He looks so much like James!" He exclaimed to Remus later that night, both in his bedroom, grasping his hands tight.

The room was just as Sirius remembered and just as Remus had imagined: covered head to toe in red and gold, muggle posters, and pictures of the Marauders. It gave the same nostalgic feeling as walking into the Gryffindor dorms back in the 70's - homely and patriotic.

"I know, Pads! You've said a thousand times! I did think it was Prongs for half a second..." Remus laughed, pulling Sirius into a brief hug before turning towards his bag. He rummaged around and pulled out a well-loved jumper. "His mother's eyes though..." Turning back around, he locked eyes with Sirius, who was now stood shirtless, with silk bottoms hanging low on his hips.  _ Posh bastard... _

"Remind me again why I'm in your room?" He felt heat crawling across his cheeks and found himself looking anywhere but at Sirius.

"Too many Weasley's, not enough rooms. We shared beds in the dorms all the time, we'll be fine. It's me or Moody, take your pick, Remy!" Sirius stepped closer and took Remus's chin between his thumb and forefinger, forcing the youngers amber eyes to look at him. "Why, worked up about sharing a bed with me, Moonshine?" He smirked, low and mischievous, fluttering at the fervent blush that deepened on his friend's face.

"N-no..."

He let go of his chin, turned, and jumped on the bed with drama, howling hysterically. "Well, you did say you missed me flirting, Moony!"

Watching as Remus took off his shirt and drew on the grey jumper and then took off his jeans, he couldn't help but swell with satisfaction as their eyes never quite met. Lupin walked over to the bed and both boys settled in under the covers. 

"You don't need to wear this, you know?" Sirius tugged on the hem of Remus's jumper. "I don't care." He knew Remus only wore it to cover his scars, still anxious of showing even his closest friends.

"I know, just..."

"Nope, no buts! Take it off if it means you're comfortable!"

Remus just gave a halfhearted glare and a smile as he tugged off the jumper and discarded it to the floor, and settled again with his head on the plush pillows. Sirius, as soon as he saw his friend get comfortable, laid his head on Remus's shoulder and began to trace the scars along his chest, stomach, and sides with light, gliding fingertips. 

"He'll be okay, won't he Moons?"

"Harry takes after the same man who accepted a monster for a friend, took in an abused runaway and spent seven determined years to win over the absolute love of his life, and succeeded, before facing the world's darkest wizard without even a wand. He will be perfectly okay, Sirius..."

"Good."

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

The months passed peacefully; with Harry at Hogwarts, and so many members of The Order out on missions, Remus and Sirius were left mostly on their own, too apprehensive about putting Sirius in harm's way of the Ministry, and Remus too fearful to leave him on his own. 

Old habits died hard, and their routine from the cottage in the Dales carried over to the headquarters, with days spent shopping and baking, and evenings spent stargazing and watching telly. Once the kids had all gone back to Hogwarts, Remus moved his things (what few things he had in his travel bag) into a spare bedroom just down the hall from Sirius's own room, but elected to spend most nights snuggled under dark red sheets with Sirius. He'd initially used the ruse of nightmares, sneaking into Sirius's room at night seeking comfort, but both had eventually abandoned the gimmick and Remus now turned up to his room, nightwear in one arm and toothbrush in another, as though they were 12, moving around James's parents' house during the summer.

Before he could realize, the summer heat began to settle and November had snuck up on Remus fast. He woke in a panic, bolting upright at three in the morning on the third.

_ It was Sirius's birthday! _

So swept up in worry for Harry and the members out on missions, Remus had forgotten all about one of three days a year he had spent heartbroken over the last 13 years. 

3rd November, 21st March, and 31st October.

"Mmm... Moonshine? You 'kay?" Sirius mumbled, pulling his arms tighter around Remus's waist and nestling into his side further. 

"Yeah," Remus shuffled back down into the bed and lightly moved a strand of hair from Sirius's face, twisting slightly to plant a kiss on his forehead, "Yeah I am now, love." He beamed sleepily.

He watched as Sirius drifted back off to sleep, still nuzzled against his side, and he took to thinking about how to surprise Sirius for his birthday with no time to go shopping. He'd missed 13 years of birthdays and presents and he wasn't about to continue that. 

Thankfully, as the sun began to rise, Remus had a solid plan, and slipped out of bed, leaving Sirius asleep (of course, taking time to admire the sleeping man first, affection bubbling inside of him as he was just as beautiful with a messy bedhead and light snoring.)

Sirius woke up to a cold and empty bed, instantly feeling a sense of dread and panic when he found himself not wrapped tightly around Remus. He instantly calmed as he heard the door creak open, revealing Moony stood in the doorway in fleecy bottoms and an oversized sweater, holding a tray.

"Happy birthday, Pads!"

Reaching for a jumper on the floor beside him (Remus's of course, downing him in warm wool and the smell of old books as he slipped it on over his head), he gave a bright but tired smile.

"You didn't have to, Rem!"

"Yes I did, Siri! Now eat up, its almost midday and I have plans!" He slid into bed and placed the tray on the laps between them, and Sirius's mouth began to water at the smell of french toast and maple syrup. The two ate in a happy silence, shoulders nudging against each other and thighs pressed tightly together.

"So, what's the plan then?" Sirius asked as he finished his last bite of toast, smiling at Remus. He noticed a spot of syrup on the corner of his friend's lips, and had half a second of internal debates, before leaning towards the younger, darting his tongue out to lick up the small drop. Leaning back against his pillow, he gave an innocent smile as though nothing had happened.

"Ah, well- uh," Remus stuttered, flushed and leaning slightly away from his friend, "We, um, I-I have a surprise. Its... it's not much, I'm sorry, but..." He found himself losing his train of thought as he replayed the small moment in his mind. Sirius had been  _ so close!  _ "Come with me?"

"Lead the way, then Moony!"

They walked hand in hand down the corridor on the third floor, before reaching a door that Sirius recalled was an old office from his youth. Remus pushed the door open and Sirius was slightly confused to see the room filled with scarily familiar clutter, from photo frames to old china and other antiquities.

"Uh..."

"W-well, I know you wanted to destroy all of this stuff anyway, and this is more therapeutic than just making it disappear, and this is your house now so... no time like the present?" Remus almost questioned himself upon seeing the confusion on Sirius's face.

Padfoot picked up a plate, marked with the crest of the Black Family, and threw it at the wall with no mercy, relishing in the loud shattering sound as it collided with the hard surface.

"Moony! This is brilliant!" He threw another plate. "I never liked this shit anyway!" A mug, this time, followed quickly by a bowl, "Fuck you, Mother! Screw you, Father!" He screeched, throwing another plate at an old canvas painting of who Remus assumed was a great-grandfather to some extent.

Steadily, Remus grabbed a green and silver box, examining it for a moment before tossing it against the wall. Before he continued with the destruction, he grabbed two bottles he hid in the corner, of Firewhiskey, and opened it before passing it to Sirius, who had just put his foot through another painting.

"To screwing your family," He smirked, raising the bottle.

"No, to us, Moony," Sirius grinned, "Unchanged!" Before he threw his head back, taking multiple large gulps of the drink, watching Remus do the same.

They continued to thoroughly trash the room, shattering plates and snapping umbrellas, destroying every wooden, glass, and every other breakable object in sight, taking breaks to down more Firewhiskey, and even opening a bottle of Muggle vodka they found in Regulus's room, of all places. They smashed the bottles and added to the carnage, and continued over and over again.

The room ultimately went dark with nightfall, and the pair saw themselves slumped on the floor, leaning against each other in drunk unsteadiness, giggling, and catching their breaths.

"Thank you Moony," The whisper was barely loud enough for Remus to hear, but caught it thanks to the closeness.

"You're welcome Pads. Anything for you..." He hummed in reply, closing his eyes and leaning further into Sirius's touch.

"I love you."

Remus's whole body stiffened in fear and he tore his hands away from Sirius fast, shooting upright. He hadn't heard those words in so long, hadn't felt fear like this in even longer. Dread washed over his body like a tidal wave and dragged him under an ocean of overthinking and separation anxiety.

More than anything, Remus's heart broke with how he wished he heard those words in a different context, with Sirius's lips on his own and hands tangled in his hair, in a form of love so far beyond platonic that would be so addictive if he felt it.

"That's okay, right? I can say that to you again?" Sirius asked in foolhardiness.

Remus slackened a little and settled back into Sirius's arms, blinking back tears that threatened to spill and hoping his voice wouldn't crack in shame and upset.

"Of course you can, Padfoot. I love you too. You're my best friend..."

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

Christmas snuck up on them just as fast as Sirius's birthday when dealing with the satisfying monotony of their duties of the Order (duties that still only included cleaning, cooking and keeping Sirius safe) and by the time it was Christmas Eve, Remus had had more anxious breakdowns than ever before. Giving himself time to prepare to sort out his friend's gift proved even more anxiety-inducing than if he had woke up 10 minutes before sunrise on the 25th and had no gifts for anyone.

They were friends, close ones at that, but  _ only friends _ . What was considered too sentimental for a gift? Were they in a position to give gifts, after spending so long apart? But surely the bonding since late June had given him the right to give Sirius a nice gift.

_ God, this is worse than N.E.W.T.S... _

Remus had eventually settled on a gift, constantly filled with dread in case it wasn't good enough. 

But gifts were the last of people's worries.

The day was more solemn and contemplative compared to the joyous atmosphere that people expected when Arthur Weasley had barely made it home for Christmas. Dinner was eaten in an awkward tension, where everyone tried to seem happy and normal, but Harry seemed eaten with guilt, Arthur in pain, the Weasley kids grateful their father was even alive, and Remus who hated the holiday as it is. 

Sirius seemed the most normal, at least to everyone else, who couldn't feel his leg bouncing or hand trembling every time he lifted his fork to eat some more mashed potatoes, and on more than one occasion did Remus have to put his hand on his friend's thigh to stop the table shaking while they ate.

It was painful, being an observer of such a normally happy family (Harry and Hermione included, of course) seem so somber and false.

They moved on with festivities throughout the day, Sirius spending some time with Harry and Remus checking his present was absolutely perfect. Worried his gift to Sirius wouldn't go down well (or go down too well, depending), he elected to give it to him later in the evening when no one was present. Sirius - unless he hadn't got a gift for Remus - had decided to do the same, and Remus spent the rest of the day preoccupied with thoughts of the evening, even while he tried to have calm conversations with Molly and games of Exploding Snap with the twins.

The day gradually came to a close, and the younger Weasleys headed to their own rooms to continue with games and conversation. Molly had tried to take over the clean up, of course, but Remus insisted she spent time with her husband, and he found himself watching the last quarter of the moon clear in the sky from the kitchen window as he washed up (he could use magic, of course, but he was in no rush and found himself calmed at the simple activity). 

He was drawn from his daydreaming by light footsteps coming from behind him, then the sensation of hands snaking around his sides and joining at his front. A kiss was left on his neck before a chin rested on his shoulders.

"Hey Moonshine..." Sirius whispered, lips brushing against Remus's earlobe.

"Hey. Good time with Harry?" He trembled at the closeness of Sirius pressed against his back.

"Mhm," He hummed deep against his neck, "Want to give you your gift now, though..."

Remus quickly dried his hands and let himself be lead up the stories and down the corridor to Sirius's bedroom, where his friend instantly started rummaging around under his bed, before pulling out a small rectangular gift in shining red paper.

"It's not much..." He murmured as he passed it to Remus.

He carefully tore back the paper to find a book 'The Book of Constellations: Discover the Secrets in the Stars by Robin Kerrod'

"We've been stargazing more and more, and, well, you're damn useless as seeing it all, so I thought you might want to read about it!"

"That's amazing, thank you Pads! I can't wait to start- huh?" Remus began to lift the book out of the paper before spotting another smaller package underneath it.

"Oh yeah, that..."

Remus set the book on the side and looked at the other gift. It was a sweater shaped chocolate, no bigger than his hand, beautifully colored with red and gold to resemble a Gryffindor jumper. He recognized it as the first gift he'd gotten from Sirius in 1971 when he had been too anxious to say more than 2 words to the boy who refused to leave him out at Christmas time.

"I keep hoping things would be the same as before, and that nothing changed, but I need to stop lying to myself. Everything has changed, Rem, for better and for worse. Maybe we can start fresh, and this will be the first Christmas of our new lives, together."

"Pads..." Remus choked, "I want nothing more than to spend my new life with you..." He threw his arms around the shorter man, pulling him close to his chest and stayed, calm and safe, for a moment. "Wait! Let- uh let me get your present!" He fumbled through his bag, bringing the back of his hand to his eyes to wipe his tears he didn't want to show Sirius. He pulled out a small, thin rectangular gift and hopped back up, handing it to Sirius.

Sirius looked up in trepidation (It was his first present in years, of course he was nervous) before unwrapping it. Stunned, his mouth dropped open and he let out a whimper.

"I took it to a muggle restoration, I hope that's okay. I still have the original if you want it."

Sirius began to shake as he stared down. It was a black frame, with a beautiful, clean and colored photo of the two young Black Brothers, huge grins and arms over shoulders, staring back at Sirius.

Pulling the frame to his chest, he dropped to his knees and let out a smothered shriek and cried, bawling and grabbing onto the photo tighter and tighter as the tears grew more intense. Remus settled on the floor and pulled Sirius in close, keeping the picture between them both and Sirius continued to sob. His lip trembled and his cries turned into slight screams, muffled as his face pressed against Remus's chest

"It's okay, Sirius, I'm sorry... it's okay to cry..." Remus whispered into Sirius's ear as the screams became more strangled and his breathing distorted, coughing and gagging against his friend as he quivered more and more vigorously.

Remus continued to whisper as Sirius curled further into himself, breathing still labored, but screams dulling into stubborn sobs and sniffles. He finally pulled back, set the photo frame on the floor before grabbing the front of Remus's garish jumper and pulling him close.

"I already lost Reg, Remus! You are everything to me! I can't lose you, too!" He whined, "Not again! Please say I won't lose you, I can't lose you, Rem, you're my world!

Remus held Sirius's face, and kissed him on the cheek. "You aren't going to lose me," He put another kiss on his temple, "I need you as much as you need me," and touched his lips to the end of his nose, "I stay for as long as you want me."

"What if I want you forever?"

Remus placed a final kiss to the corner of Sirius's lips, and whispered against his skin, "Then forever I'll stay."

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

The nine weeks between the start of the new year and Remus's birthday crawled insufferably slow for Sirius.

The first two weeks he had spent exhausted and in bed most of the time. He told everyone (more so Molly who spent her free time fretting over the two men while they were locked up) he was simply tired from Christmas and then the New Years' festivities. Remus, on the other hand, knew better, understanding that while it was Christmas that had drained his energy, the gift from his friend had been the catalyst. He loved the picture more then he could express to Remus before turning into a blubbering mess, and resolved to hanging it in his room next to his bed. The subsequent breakdown had wiped him out entirely, but he felt so much better afterwards, feeling calmer and more content than since the day he went to Azkaban, as though he could finally begin to put it all behind him at last. Remus played errand boy for these weeks, and Sirius felt guilty that his friend was waiting after him. But Remus took it in his stride, bringing food and coffee and cuddles whenever needed, cheering Sirius up faster than anyone and anything else could.

The third week was arguably worse and Sirius began to plan for Moony's birthday. Most of his days were spent apparating around every wizarding town (and some muggle ones) in search of the perfect gift for him, leaving Remus is fits of worry at home, unaware of where Sirius was going and what he was doing. He wouldn't get back until late and always discovered Remus already asleep in his bed (Sirius was unsure if they now  _ shared _ a room, or if Remus just wanted to stay surrounded by Sirius's things), seemingly uncomfortable without his Padfoot in his arms. Sirius would slip into bed as quick and peaceful as possible, resting his head on Remus's chest and letting out a sigh of tranquility when he felt his friend's arms wrap around him. He fell asleep right away, with no nightmares, only adoring dreams of himself and Remus, happy at last.

Finally, Sirius found the perfect gift, and his evenings of cuddles and laughter returned as he stayed in 12 Grimmauld Place as normal. The fourth week rolled around and they returned to tradition, living perfect domestic lives as though they weren't surrounded by war or tormented by their pasts. He tried to embrace every moment he had with Remus, every single one. Every small smile and sarcastic eye roll became a treasured memory he would play on loop. Every time their fingers touched accidentally sent electricity shooting through Sirius's body, and every night they curled up under the duvet and ran their fingers through the other's hair seemed better than the previous night with seemingly nothing changing. 

He savored this for the last few weeks until finally, finally, Remus's birthday rolled around. He was so itching to give him his gift but knew to wait until the evening.

Remus got so many gifts that day, and he seemed thoroughly overwhelmed and the love he had received. Hand knitted jumpers from Mrs. Weasley, more CD's from Hermione and an abundance of items from Harry, from sweaters to chocolate to a photo album filled with pictures, from ones of him as a child with James and Sirius, and ones from later on, like with Harry and Sirius at Christmas and another with all the Weasley's, Harry, Hermione, himself and Sirius at New Year's Eve. They had lunch (Remus requested cottage pie, which only the two of them understood why) before Remus, Sirius, and some other Order members there at the time, like Tonks, Moody, and Diggle spent the afternoon doing nothing in particular, taking the time to relax, rather than work for a few hours. Sirius left them to it, for only half an hour or so, before joining them again until the other members 'happened' to need to leave (premeditated by Sirius, obviously.)

He couldn't help but wonder what they all thought of this, of them. Remus and Sirius walked around with fingers entwined and sat on the sofa with hands on thighs and heads on shoulders. Sirius having told them before that they needed to leave by sundown  ** must  ** have given them the wrong impression,  _ surely _ ?

"Moonshine, can I give you your gifts now?" Sirius asked when he saw the sun had finally set, and the only light in the drawing-room was from the candles and the third quarter moon in the navy sky.

"I was wondering when you would," Remus smirked, feeling himself pulled to his feet by Sirius.

"Keep your eyes closed, okay? Trust me."

"I'll always trust you, pup."

Sirius lead Remus through the house and then out the backdoor. They took a few steps along the path before Remus was allowed to open his eyes.

Spread on the grass was a red checkered picnic blanket surrounded by small floating tea lights and lanterns, with a little black box in the center.

The stars seemed bright than normal and Remus found himself instantly drawn to the Alpha Canis Majoris above him.

"It's beautiful, Padfoot, it's so gorgeous..." He walked toward the blanket and sat down, legs stretched out in front of him and Sirius joined him, picking up the little box and handing it over.

"Happy birthday, Remus."

He took the box and opened it as he smiled at Sirius. As he saw what was inside it, his grin grew wider and tears stung in his eyes. Resting in the box was a thin, fake silver chain, with a pendant of a dog in front of the moon, identical to the one Sirius had gifted him 25 years before.

Tears trailed down his cheeks and his fingers glided over the pendant, noting how remarkably similar the dog was to Padfoot.

It truly was fate.

"Could you put it on me?" He asked gently, taking the necklace from its box and handing it to Sirius. Without another word, Sirius unclasped the necklace and bought it around his neck, securing the fixture and trailing his fingertips along the chain around his neck and down past his Adam's Apple.

"Look up," he murmured and tilted his friends head up to the sky, admiring how Remus's eyes widened in awe.

"I put a charm on it," he continued, "So little lines join up the constellations. As long as you wear the necklace, you'll be able to see them!"

Remus shuffled to face Sirius, still crying with more joy than he understood. "Is this our new beginning?"

"Of course," Sirius smiled softly and bought his hand to Remus's cheek as he did so often.

Time was short and everything could change so fast, and he wasn't going to hesitate so close to his perfect beginning.

He moved forwards, delighted when Remus did the same, and they stopped millimeters from each other. The feeling of Remus's breath on his lips could have driven him crazy, had he not moved forward, barely, and pressed his soft lips to Remus's chapped and chewed ones. The kiss was soft and delicate, like butterfly wings, and lingered only a moment, and Sirius knew he could do that a thousand times and never get bored.

Their lips met again, parted slightly and moving, more confident and sure as Remus tangled his fingers in Sirius's hair to deepen the kiss even further. It was still filled with anxiety but joined with the crushing feeling of love and hope.

Sirius's hand traveled down to rest on his neck, thumb stroking his jaw and his tongue tarried against Remus's lower lip.

Time seemed irrelevant to the pair. When they finally pulled back and Sirius thought he couldn't love Remus any more, he saw his friend, red lips parted in a slight pant, blush across his nose and cheeks and tear stains trailing over his scars and down his face, and was overwhelmed with the idyllic man.

"M'cold," Remus grumbled as he leaned forwards, wrapping his arms tightly around Sirius's body and leaned into his warmth, face pressed to where his neck met his shoulder and placed a kiss. Sirius shifted his fingers through his hair, smiling at every quiet sigh the younger man gave until his breathing steadied out and went limp in his friend's arms.

Every traumatic experience he dealt with was worth it, so see the love of his life happy and safe within his arms, and he knew life couldn't get more perfect.

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

Remus had to go and lie, of course.

James and Lily had died when they said they'd be around forever, Regulus had told him that they would always be friends when they were small kids, his mother told him he loved him and Peter's lie was the one that royally fucked everything up.

Sirius had learned now that people lied, whether they meant to or not, or it somehow hurt even more when it was Remus stood in front of him.

"I won't let you, you can't do it Moony!" He cried, tears already streaming down his face. He seemed to always be crying around Remus lately, but couldn't bring himself to hate the man.

"Sirius, love, it's only for a few months over the summer, Dumbledore r-"

"Fuck Dumbledore! I can't let you get hurt!"

The past twelve weeks had seemed more than perfect. Neither of them spoke about the night of Remus's birthday, or the kiss, and chose to carry on as if nothing had really happened (with the addition of Remus's hands, when not on Sirius, were curled around the pendant hanging around his neck.)

The Weasley twins had officially finished school, and hopped between 12 Grimmauld Place and The Burrows,  _ still  _ playing pranks on the older men as they moved through their daily lives (they never told them to knock it off, as Remus saw James and Sirius in the young ginger boys, and Sirius just proceeded to give them even more prank ideas.)

It came to a few days into June and it crumbled within seconds. Dumbledore felt it was okay for Sirius to be on his own now, particularly with the twins lurking around, and had asked Remus to go undercover with the Werewolves to gain intel and try and get them to join the Order.

_ Sirius was not happy. _

"Padfoot, I have to go, It'll really help the fight!" Remus pleaded, lying to himself this time. He knew it really wouldn't make much of a difference.

"And I'm meant to lose you?" Sirius asked angrily, sarcasm dripping from his voice, replacing the earlier pleads and grief. "And that's okay, is it? I knew it, I knew you'd leave just like everyone else!"

"I am not leaving you, Sirius Black. Don't you dare say that to me!" Remus's voice reached volumes Sirius hadn't heard since fifth year.

"But you're going to go, aren't you?! You told me- you told me you'd say forever if I asked and that's what I'm asking, Remus!"

Hand bolting forwards, Remus grabbed the collar of his friend's shirt and pushed him back so his thighs were pressed against the end of the kitchen table. "You have gone for three months, three  _ fucking _ months pretending as if that kiss never happened, and now you're going to use it to blackmail me?! Fuck you, Sirius. Fuck you."

"Me?! Don't bring this around on me! You are as much to blame! So why haven't you mentioned it, hm? Why did  _ you  _ pretend it never happened?" He smirked, leaning further back with his collar still held by Remus.

"Because I'm in love with you and would rather die than have you leave me again!"

Sirius's heart stopped and his face dropped as he processed what Remus had said, seeing how the grip on his collar wasn't slackened and his eyes were still dark and bitter, shining with tears. 

"You're in love with me?"

"Of course I'm in love with you, you daft prick!" He laughed, still harsh and furious, "I've spent the last twelve weeks trying not to drag you into a random room and snog you senseless!"

Sirius didn't wait, instead reaching up to grab Remus's unkempt hair and pulling him down into a fierce and desperate kiss, lips moving ungracious against one another, taking in the taste and smell and feel of Remus in front of him.

"I'm in love with you too," Sirius trailed away and mumbled against his friend's lips before pulling him close again, fingers tingling and knees growing weak as Remus towered over him. He moaned into the kiss, feeling his friend's hands loosen on his collar and trail down his clothed chest, teasing with the buttons before resting his palm against his jutting hipbone. Their lips parted and Remus kissed his jaw over and over again, lips ghosting before biting lightly in the crook of his neck, amused with the small whine in Sirius's throat as he sucked on the small patch of skin.

Sirius could have stayed there forever, talking in the taste of tea and smell of chocolate and books, and his fingers explored over skin his 17-year-old self could only have dreamed of. 

Remus's hand began to play with the hem of his shirt, before snaking up, fingertips fluttering against his skin, and Sirius tilted his head back, overwhelmed with the feeling of Remus pressed against him.

A throaty cough came from the other end of the kitchen.

They had never moved so fast in their lives, Remus pulling his lips away from Sirius's neck and hands out from under his shirt, and Sirius letting go of his hair.

They spun to look in the direction of the noise and saw the two Weasley twins, leaning against the doorframe, one with a smug grin plastered on their face, and the other looking more than unamused.

"Told you, Freddie!"

"Screw you, George," Fred grumbled, placing two Silver Sickles in his brother's hand, before turning and walking away. George followed, beaming, shouting a 'Have fun, boys!' from down the corridor, and the sound of the pair disapparating could be heard in the kitchen.

"Were they-"

"-betting-"

"On us..?"

Remus was the first to let out a small chuckle, soon followed by Sirius until they both howled with laughter, clutching onto their stomachs and eyes watering.

"H-how long had they  _ known _ ?!" Sirius cackled with a stutter as he began to calm down.

"Longer than us, apparently!!"

Remus looked up at Sirus leaning against the table, hand wiping the tears in his eyes. His hair was tangled and messy, shirt twisted out of place, and reddish-purple mark on his neck. Remus fell even more in love as he saw his blown pupils, swollen lips, and a truthful happy simper on his face.

"You're beautiful..." He spoke against his friend's cheek before kissing his lips once again, "I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

"You will, Moonshine. I'm here forever and always. Now, fancy taking this upstairs?" He grinned against Remus.

"Of course, my love."

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

"I'm glad I didn't go undercover." Remus kissed the side of Sirius's neck before pulling his jacket on and looking in the mirror, hoping he didn't look too disheveled as they planned to head downstairs and join the Order for dinner. They hadn't exactly  _ told _ them they were together, but he presumed they had suspected since 1978. He ran his fingers through his hair and fiddled with his shirt as he listened to Sirius.

"Me too, I'd have missed you too much. And anyway, I wanted to give you something..."

"Oh?" Remus questioned, teasing his fingers through his hair one last time before turning to look at his partner.

Remus gasped as he saw Sirius stood in the center of the room, a small velvet box in his hand. He opened it with his thin pale fingers and showed off the ring inside. A beautiful thick silver band with an engraved Canis Major constellation, and one diamond for the Alpha Canis Majoris.

"Sirius.." He whispered, voice breaking slightly as he saw his boyfriends tear-filled eyes

"Remus, the day I shouted at you in the dorms was the best day of my life, because it was the day I knew we would be together forever. I fell in love with you so hard and so fast it hurt, but so naturally I can't even tell you when it happened. I spent every day practicing how to ask you out and wondering what it would be like to kiss you for the first time and hold your hand. Only when everything went wrong did I realize" He let out a painful sob.

"...Did I realize how impossible it was to live without you. You're the love of my life, Remus John Lupin, and even though I've only been able to tell you that for two weeks, I know how right I am when I say it, and when I say I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Losing you for 12 years made me understand life is so so short, and I need you with me every step of the way. Things have changed so much, and they will never be the same again. I think we should embrace that change, because it means I can stand here with you and ask. 

Will you marry me?"

Remus stood in shock, tears pouring down his face uncontrollably as he took in every word that Sirius said. He shook and shivered with joy and anxiety, taking a small but steady step forward.

Suddenly, the door of the bedroom flew open and the voice of Moody bellowed down the hall, not bothering to even come down the corridor to speak.

"Down here, now! Harry's in trouble, we need to get to the Department of Mysteries! Now! He has the prophecy!"

"Shit!" Sirius shouted, dropping the ring and its box as he made a move to run out the door, panicked. Before he could leave, Remus grabbed his wrist and tugged him back. He settled a firm kiss on his lips.

"Yes, yes, of course, I'll marry you! Now let's go and get Harry!" and dragged him from the bedroom, both running down the corridor towards Moody, Tonks, and Shacklebolt, and apparated with a loud snap.

_ ~Espice, adspice, prospice.~ _

_ Harry slipped from his grip and ran out of the door, screaming and following the high pitched laughter and voice that cried, "I killed Sirius Black! I killed Sirius Black!" _

_ Remus dropped to his knees, hardly wincing at the pain as his legs collided with the stone. Lifting his left hand wearily, he spread his fingers and looked at his ring finger wishing to see the metal band Sirius hadn't had time to put on, that instead laid on the floor of their bedroom, still in its box. _

_ He was gone. _

_ The love of his life, his boyfriend, his  _ fiancé _ was gone. _

_ Twenty-five years of pining and seemingly unrequited love lead to only 2 weeks of perfect harmony and was already destroyed. He was alone, again, For good this time. _

He stared down at the flowers on the grass, wild roses and yellow pansies, sat next to a small picture of the Marauders.  _ 8th September '73, off to Hogsmead! _ A hand rested on his shoulder as he spoke, words quieter than a whisper, and he wouldn't be shocked if the other person couldn't even hear his voice.

"I fell in love with you the moment you spoke to me. You spoke to the weird kid with the scars and the stutter and the ungodly amount of books, no matter how many times James told you to leave me alone. I'm so grateful you did. I had never known love like it, love that felt addictive and made me feel whole. I knew from that moment that I needed to spend the rest of my life with you.

You stood by me through my worst when you didn't need to and most other people would have run away, and even did something so incredibly stupid to try and help me. That first moon with Padfoot was amazing and I'll hold on to those memories until the day I join you.

W-when it all went wrong, I hated you. I hated you for so long. I hated to think the man who I was in love with had betrayed me, stabbed me in the back, and had no remorse for any of it. I spent every 31st of October crying, and every 3rd of November drunk and angry.

But you came back to me, innocent and just as enchanting as before you left and I thought my life couldn't get better. It turned out you loved me too, and everything,  _ everything _ we went through seemed worth it when I got to hold you and ask you to be mine.

That would have been my vows, I think. If we could marry. I wear the ring just to pretend that you'll come back to me again, but I know you won't. Not this time. 

I've clung on to so much bitterness towards you for months now, and I hated you again for leaving me. For dying. But I need to let go, now more than ever.

I love you, Sirius Orion Black, and I always will. More importantly, I forgive you. We will marry, one day, in the sky, near the stars that I still stare at when I need to feel you near me, and then I'll be content."

Fingertips slid against his own as Tonks took his hand and touched the silver band lightly. She stood on her tiptoes and left a kiss on his cheek, that was never quite the same as when Sirius had done it, but was comforting nonetheless.

"Come on," She smiled sadly, "Let's get back in, Molly made us tea."

He squeezed her hand in thanks as they turned towards back towards the house, shoulders brushing together.

"I love you, Tonks."

"I know, Remus. I love you too."

**Author's Note:**

> I condemn J.K. Rowling's words and actions, and do not agree with any of her opinions regarding Trans* people. I do my utmost to respect people's preferred pronouns and strongly believe Trans men are men and Trans women are women.


End file.
